If Perfection Had a Shape
Butterbean Edition
Butterbean is the perfect shape.
It’s not up for debate.
There has never been a more perfectly shaped human invented.
He puts the “super” in super heavyweight.
When Butterbean enters a room, the golden ratio of his physique is unmistakable. Dozens of ill-informed fools over the years have misjudged Butterbean’s rotundness as weakness, not realising it’s the very source of his power.
His success.
His legacy.
Eric Esch, colloquially known as Butterbean was crafted from pure garnet on a sultry Wednesday the third of August, 1966. The same week ground was being broken in New York City, which would later house the foundations of the World Trade Center.
This is no coincidence.
Butterbean was sculpted by lightning, smoothed over by rain.
As thunder lingered in the aftermath of Eric’s creation, the world was ill-prepared for what was to come in the years ahead.
At age four his family took him to a small town with nary a few thousand people. They saw the writing on the wall. In vain they tried to limit the blast radius of what was to be a source of great power.
A devastating force.
Little did they know, Butterbean was already shapemaxxing.
At age 11, he and his family moved to Alabama, to an area known for its lack of water. If they couldn’t limit his blast radius, maybe they could slow his growth. It was no use, nothing could stop him. He was destined for greatness. His size and shape were predetermined from creation.
It was fate.
Butterbean spent his youth absorbing blow after blow from “bullies” who naively thought they were dominating him. In reality, all they were doing was helping mould him into his final form.
Fools.
During the early nineteen nineties Butterbean’s transformation was almost complete. He was ready to start fighting back. The time had come to unleash his power. He started entering into so-called “Toughman” contests. I say this because no human is a match for garnet, strength incarnate. It was exactly this moment Eric “Butterbean” Esch understood what he was designed to do. Nothing and no one was going to get in his way. The more fights he entered the more he understood his life’s purpose. Butterbean barely needed to move because any potential blows glanced off him smoothly—so smoothly it seemed like the hand of God himself was guiding them. It seemed unfair to his opponents. No matter what they did, which angles they attacked from, the man was untouchable. Straight shots, hooks, uppercuts—nothing worked. Just when they thought they scored a direct hit they’d be on the canvas, unconscious. An angel of death issuing a warning,
with death by my side, you’re but a mere mortal, cease now lest you be killed.
That warning was enough for some, however, many still wanted to dance with fate.
Opponents came and went and by 1994 Butterbean had racked up five World Toughman contest trophies. His record was 56 wins and 5 “losses”, with 36 knockouts. These five supposed losses were simply Butterbean maintaining his shape. Like a snake shedding its skin or a whale casting off barnacles.
A necessary process.
This is scarcely reported on and a crutch for Butterbean detractors.
During this time a cult of followers began forming. People were starting to recognise Butterbean’s shape for what it was—nothing short of perfection. Around the mid-to-late nineteen nineties casual observers might stupidly imply Butterbean started to falter. However, what they fail to realise is this was simply the preliminary stages of his second coming. Into the 2000s it seemed as though Butterbean was experiencing more and more losses. On the surface, sure, that’s what it looks like. Beyond the superficial any true Butterbean fan would realise this was his second final form—his Magnus Roundness. Much like the so-called bullying during his childhood, these “losses” were power absorption. And because of his first final form’s size, this second period of power gain would need to be more intense than the first. His reported “retirement” in 2013 was the second phase of his second final form. This is where he gathers energy directly from the environment instead of “bullies” or so-called “opponents”.
This phase is where the most growth occurs.
Inverse growthmaxxing.
Many of you have never heard of growthmaxxing, let alone inverse growthmaxxing.
You’ve all been mogged by the man, the myth, the legume.
An absolute mogging.
Outclassed, outmaxxed.
The moggening.
Mogmaxxed to the max.
You may have heard, Butterbean has lost weight.
More than 200lbs.
That’s right.
Oh you think that affects his shape, his size?
You poor, misguided, silly twerp.
His aura is his shape. His shape defies traditional physics of mere mortals like you and I.
A reckoning is at hand.
Go get ‘em, tiger.
That’s it for now,
As always,
Good luck,
Stay safe and,
Be well.
See ya!